Paul McCartney

I've been away for a while enjoying (enduring) what I think was an existential breakdown. I turned 40 years old 2 Saturdays ago. I celebrated by taking time off. Time off from work, from sobriety, from decision making, from hope, and from any real semblance of rational thought. The day itself was fine, great in fact, but the run up and come down were horrific. Every fibre of my being refusing to contemplate in an anyway positive manner the 40 year old nature of my existence and the disappointments and flaws therein. Nice.

I felt old. But I got through it and came out of the other side feeling . . .old.

Then I came back to work and felt hungover and old. Everyone here is bored of touting for business that isn't there. Everyone is holding their position. The constant noise is white. It's banter across the desks and desperation on the phones. Us non-breeders console ourselves with knowing we're saving on the gas bill by coming into work and the family guys worry if the wife's got their heating on right now, burning the money he can't find. We have some deals but the difference to 2 years ago is stunning. Even the banter is cheaper.

At first I enjoyed a brief recession boosted feeling of elation based on thinking that for once I was the lucky one as I have nothing to lose - my flaps have been in the vice financially for fifteen years, but now I've realised that what affects my benefactors affects me. No more free lunches, just the occasional pint and a "times are tough" chat. It's no way to live - hungry and not pissed enough. It's not the team environment of old. And definitely not the City environment of the nineties - that's how I fell into this line of work, Veuve Cliquot and City boys, drunk and high for 4 years. Aaaah, bless me and my 16 year career plateau. It's a trajectory of sorts, surely?

So, to refer to the title of this post, I have finally found the inspiration to move forwards and finally become a recognisable acheiver (of something). That inspiration is Paul McCartney. He was being interviewed on Front Row and I suddenly thought if a mental, talentless fuck like Paul McCartney can do what he's done, then surely there is indeed hope for us all.

SeccyPahHumbug